Yesterday, on my drive down to Asheville, I was like a million different Ashley's. I was a nervous Ashley, an excited one, a fearful one, one thinking of turning around and one that made really great time. I sang loudly and I would wipe away a tear or two every once in a while...I would think, "What did I get myself into?!" and then thank myself for doing it.
I got to the hostel and the manager seems nice. I left all my stuff in the car and set out to have lunch and take care of logistics. I need a place to park and I need to scope out places to work. I walk around the city slowly remembering my way around from my last visit.
I remember my way to the library to print of some resumes and I get my parking permit. I know Meagan gets off work in a little bit and I just can't contain my excitement!
I wait for her outside a yoga studio, making a mental note to check their schedule. I see her walking down the street and she signals me to be quiet, Sage doesn't know I am here.
They continue walking down the street and Sage's vision is blocked a little by the sun. Their hands break apart as Sage moves to the left for the figure coming her way to pass by. She looks as she passes and it takes her a second. She says my name kind of under her breath, like I know you, but you are not supposed to be here. She instantaneously starts repeating my name and we embrace into a joyous hug. I can't help but shed tears as I give my sister a hug. She has a little tear and we both watch Sage rejoice! I am flattered by her excitement and I am in awe of her growth. Baby Sage, now replies to that nickname by correcting you, "I am not a baby, I'm a little girl!" That she is.
We end up walking around stopping at a brewery and going back to their place for pizza. It felt so good to feel remnants of home on a day of change.
The next morning on the way to school, Sage asks if I am sad, she saw a drip from my eye. "I'm not sad today Sage, I'm excited!"
I walk around all day applying and applying and applying to jobs. It feels like a task, but there are so many different people at all these restaurants, I like the prospect of meeting them. I am due to work at the hostel at four, so I really try to take advantage of the day. Trader Joe's and jobs today, art tomorrow.
(I got the cutest aloe plant to liven up my pod from Trader Joe's.)
I get to the hostel and it's crazy weird. The girl I am working with is seriously like the same person I shared a studio with in college. Her name is Jade, but I keep wanting to call her PJ. The evening starts kind of slow and I get caught in a freak out mindset. What have I done?! Stopping my life and income to move to a hostel. I left my friends, family, privacy to live in place with different people every night. I am sitting at the desk stressing about my jobless, art studio-less life and my heart just kind of sinks. I didn't think this through.
Somehow the subject gets back to my aloe plant. PJ, I mean Jade, and I are talking about how I will have to move it around so it can get the sun and then I thought about how it will soon need to be in a bigger pot and it made me think about my life at that moment.
This plant is me. I grew out of my planter and now I am in search of a bigger one. I need to keep moving my way around this city to find the elements I need to maintain my growth. I need a job, an art space and the audacity to keep going. I have no idea what I want. I have some events scheduled this summer I will not compromise, but I won't just give up and go home empty handed. For that would only leave me empty hearted and no amount of miracle grow can fix that.
Today, I fell in love with Asheville and this weird opportunity. I was hesitant at first, thinking it's too small, it's too small, but I think it's just right. The hostel is cool and I am catching on to my duties. I dropped a girl from Australia off at the Pisgah National forest for a retreat this morning and I winded down back roads in the sunlight, gazing at beautiful healthy trees. The air was fresh and my friend sent me encouragement through the telephone. I biked my way to the local grocery store (owned by Whole Foods.........) and just felt a sense of excitement.
I took off my helmet and as I was locking my bike up to the post, a car drove past blaring The Low Life, a band that makes me think of home. It is a sign, I am home for a little while.
I don't know how long I will be here, or what I even want from this experience. But I am happy to report I got a job (if I pass my background check...) and I found a nice little place to make some art today. It's all coming together, I just need to trust in time.
Hope all is well!
